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Okay… Let’s play your game…

Last summer I met a boy. We were dating, kissing, hugging. We were walking hands in hands, talking all day long. I guess I felt for him. However, from one day to the next we haven’t talked again. I was looking for answers for long months. I was completely broken…
After 7 long months, somehow I got over him. I was telling myself that he was just another stupid guy who was just playing with me. I was telling this to myself as long as I finally believed it. It was really hard, I was lost, I pushed my friends, and I almost destroyed myself. BUT after those horrible nights, after those painful months I finally got over him.

We haven’t really talked since then. But a week ago we were at the same house party. I think it was the best house party I have ever been. :) We were playing with each other, we were laughing all the time. And then he kissed me. It was totally weird, but I was a bit drunk so I didn’t really think. I just enjoyed that night with him, I thought it would be just one night. Just one amazing night. We were acting like a couple, but it was totally alright.
HOWEVER, we’re still talking every single day since then. He wants a serious relationship. He’s soooo sweet, he really knows what to say a girl. :) But I’m afraid of him. I don’t dare to believe him after last summer. How am I supposed to know that it won’t be the same as last year? He is a real player, he had always been and probably always will be! But what if he’s gonna change for me? He said he doesn’t want any serious step until there’s no real emotion. Okay, then let’s continue this, and whoever falls in love first… loses!

It was YOUR wish…

HIS birthday was on the 7th, June, and it was also their first anniversary. He was begging me to celebrate with him. I wasn’t exactly with him and with his group, but I went to the same pub with my friends so of course we met. It was totally awful, because his girlfriend was also there…
However he asked me to walk and talk a bit with him. We were talking for an hour…far away from that pub…where there was his girlfriend…on the day of their anniversary. We were talking about many things, for example their relationship. He told me that he is not in love with his girlfriend anymore, they wanted to break up several times and they argue a lot. He also told me that I’m the only person he can rely on and be completely honest with. We were talking about our first kiss at New Year’s Eve, we were honestly talking about our feelings. It felt so good. He and me… just the two of us.. sitting and talking… But as every fairy tale ends, it also did.
Next day he wrote me. (Probably his girlfriend didn’t like that he was rather be with me than her even on their anniversary…) He wanted to forget everything from yesterday and forget each other. I couldn’t believe it. He told me everything I wanted to hear from him, and then he just wanted me to forget everything. I felt so angry, or I don’t know what that feeling was. I know him like nobody else and I know exactly that every single word was true what he said. I wanted to tell him that I hate him, and he can’t do this to me anymore, but I just wore “okay, then bye.” And I blocked him.
For a couple of days it was pretty hard without him. I started to watch the most romantic films ever, because then it seemed I cry on the film, and not cry because of him.. :/:) Fuck logic… :)
One week after I’ve blocked him, he wrote an sms. “hey, I’m sorry that our relationship turned out this way, I’ve never wanted to hurt you. I hope you’re okay and you’re not so sad. I know that you won’t answer, but I hope at least you’re gonna read this. :)” I’ve read it, and deleted it. The next day he wrote me again. “Will we ever talk again?” And I didn’t reply for this either.
Hey you wanted me to forget everything, to forget you. I’m trying. But what about you? Are you sure you want this? Are YOU able to forget me? :)

I can’t take it anymore…


You used to write me every single day and it was freaking me out. How the hell do I forget you if I “have to” talk to you every single day. On an other hand it gave me hope that maybe you wrote me because I still have a little chance.
Then when you didn’t write me at all, it wasn’t good for me either. It was like you’re forgetting me.
Now you write me, but very rarely. I do believe that it’s the worst. When I feel like I’m getting better and better without you, suddenly you send a message: “hey. we haven’t talked for a while. how are you?:)” and I get to realize that I’m not getting better at all… And after every day like this I have to start everything again…
So at this point love me or leave me alone…!

Last night…


We were celebrating the birthday of my friend last night. All of my best friends were there and it started really good! We were laughing and drinking, I really enjoyed it.
I knew exactly that "HE" isn’t there, but I still searching for him all night long. My happiness started to go away. I heard a slow song, which lyrics totally fit to our relationship, the way that I feel. I almost cried, but I really didn’t want to, so I go outside. However, there was someone, who had exactly the same lovely smell as HE… It totally broke me down, I couldn’t even hold back my tears. Will this ever be end???

I’m so tired of your bullshit…

Hate me, call me a bitch, talk about me, and think what you want. I do not care anymore. All of you are so double-faced. You rather hate me for who I really am, then love me for who I am not.
The funny thing is that honestly, I really do not care! I don’t even give a single fuck about none of you. :D I completely deleted all of you from my life. :) And guess what? I’m totally fine and happy without you and your bullshit. :))

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